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Combating Shyness in Your Child

Remember that little peanut who would hide behind your leg whenever there was a new person to meet? It started when he was around two, and you always figured it was the age: he’d outgrow it, of course. As time went on you noticed other things: At birthday parties, he wouldn’t participate. When you took him to soccer, more often than not he cried as you got out of the car. And forget about playdates, they were just too stressful. Now that he’s in school, you’re noticing that he seems to have a hard time making friends, and his teacher tells you he never speaks in class.

Shyness is not only tough on a child, but a real concern for many parents. It’s more than just being quiet around new people; true shyness can create problems fitting in with classmates and can even affect a child’s academic performance — both factors that can lead to low self-esteem. Shyness can affect a child deep into the teen years and even adulthood.

If you start to notice signs of shyness in your child, it’s important to face it early. By the time they’re in kindergarten, children should be able to start making social connections with their peers — comfortably playing in groups, participating in organized activities and enjoying playdates.

Keep an Eye Out for These Common Signs of Shyness:

Withdrawal
Reluctance to make eye contact
Has trouble understanding and responding to non-verbal cues
Difficulty fitting in at school; is picked on by other children
Overall anxiety; anxiety may be compounded in new situations or when there are unfamiliar people around
Blames other children for social difficulties

Fortunately, there are strategies you can work on with your child to attack shyness head on.

• Don’t label your child, or let anyone else label him. Labels stick and shyness can be a tough one to get rid of. In other words, when a child starts to think of himself as “the shy one,” he’s more likely to start, and continue, behaving like the shy one. Curb your urge to talk about your retiring youngster’s shyness in front of him, and ask friends and relatives (and teachers) to do the same.

• Encourage baby steps. Just telling your child to “be friendly” or “just go talk to them” won’t work. Most shy kids want to participate and interact with their peers; they just feel an inability to do so. Instead, look out for — and reward with praise — those times when your child does come out of his shell, even in the smallest of ways. Even seemingly minor events like smiling at another child, approaching a group of classmates on the playground or walking into the classroom without you take great effort for a shy youngster, and when you recognize that, you’ll help build self-confidence.

• Lead by example. It’s true that shy parents often have shy children. Let your child see you interacting in social situations, making conversation, etc.

• Work with your child’s teachers. Let them know you’re working on your child’s shyness. Teachers can help you identify and discourage shy behaviors while encouraging social ones. Sometimes it can be effective for a teacher to “buddy up” a shy student with an outgoing one.

• Fight the urge to speak for your child. You might feel like you have to protect your child from being uncomfortable, but when you frequently step in to speak for him or make excuses in social situations, it can reinforce shy behavior.

• Don’t expect your child to be the most outgoing kid in class. Many children are perfectly happy with just a couple of close friends. The key is that they are happy.

• Acknowledge their feelings. Often, shy kids feel like there’s something wrong with them — they’re afraid that if they say or do something, other kids will laugh at them. Let them know they’re OK. For example, if you walk into a loud, active birthday party and your child starts feeling overwhelmed, simply stating that you understand how he feels — and there’s nothing wrong with it — can help put him at ease by saying, “There are a lot of new people here, and there’s a lot going on. I know it might take you a few minutes to get used to it.”

• Is there an activity your child really enjoys — a particular sport, dancing, art? Foster that activity and encourage your child to excel in it. Being good at something will help build that all-important self-esteem, and joining a team or class with other kids who share the same interest will give them some common ground that might make it easier for your child to join in and make friends.

• Try role-playing. Talk to your child about different things to say or do when put in a situation that might make him or her uncomfortable. Talk about smiling, making eye contact, joining a group of kids who are already playing on the playground — even these most basic things are quite difficult for a shy child, and working on them with you one-on-one in a relaxed environment will help make it easier.

Hopefully, with a bit of effort and attention, you can help your child work through shyness, making his grade school years — and beyond — a time for happy memories rather than social anxiety.

Foster Independence.
Chances are your shy youngster has become quite dependent on you. Giving shy children some responsibility to make decisions for themselves (even something as simple as choosing what to wear each morning) can help foster a sense of pride and independence, which can lead to stronger self-esteem and the willingness to take risks (even small ones) in social situations.