Communicating with Your Teenager

The adolescent years are tough — for parents and kids alike. Teenagers go through a lot of physical, social and emotional changes over a relatively short period of time, and all of that change can be hard for them to deal with and understand. Often, they become sullen and withdrawn (at least to their parents). If you’re the parent of a teen, you know that sometimes it feels like you’re speaking two different languages. Even the simplest conversations can mysteriously go south, leaving you both frustrated — and no closer to understanding each other. But it’s extremely important to talk to your teen and keep the lines of communication open. How can you do that without a translator? Here are some suggestions.

Choose your times wisely. You might be a chipper morning person, ready to chat first thing over your cup of coffee, but most teens are crabby and unfocused in the a.m. Besides, they’re probably thinking about their upcoming day and not ready to talk. Pay attention to your child’s internal clock. Most teenagers are fairly nocturnal; you’ll probably have more luck in the evening.
Pay attention to your body language. Are you taller than your teen? Don’t hover over or stand directly in front of him or her. That will feel too much like confrontation, even if your subject matter and tone of voice are light and conversational. Also avoid too much direct eye contact, which will feel like a
stare down. Instead, sit near or next to your teen, or stand side by side. A side note: Do you keep your arms crossed, or punctuate a conversation with heavy sighs or eye rolls? In a word — don’t. You don’t like it when your teen does it, right? Well, they feel the same way.

Allow minor distractions. Don’t expect or wait for a teen’s undivided attention. In fact, you’ll be more likely to get your child to relax and talk while involved in another, not too engrossing activity — while you’re in the car, having a post-school snack or goofing off in the backyard. It will feel less like an interrogation to them.

Ask leading questions. Avoid questions that are too vague or that allow for one-word answers. Asking, “How was your day?” will likely result in a short, quiet “Fine.” Instead, ask questions like, “What happened with that geometry test you were studying so hard for?” or, “Tell me about the soccer team tryouts.” You might have to work a bit to get even the most basic information.
Don’t trivialize the topic. Something that might seem silly to you as an adult could be very meaningful to your teenager. Don’t make light of something that you can tell is a big deal to them. You might think that joking about a particular situation might lighten the mood and make you both feel better, but you’re probably wrong. In fact, it may make your teenager feel as if you’re not taking him or her seriously, and will end up having the opposite effect.

Just listen sometimes. Everyone needs to vent, and that goes for teenagers, too. Sometimes, they just need a sympathetic ear. Resist the urge to jump in with unsolicited advice. Allow them extra time to gather their thoughts before responding to them. Teens need time to think about what they’re trying to say, and if you start talking over them, they’ll shut down. Chances are they’re having a hard time expressing their feelings and just need a few extra seconds to formulate the right words. Bite your tongue, count to 10 (it’s longer than you think!), and let it happen.

Just talk! Don’t make every conversation with your teen about problems or complaints. Just chat about anything — pop culture, the news, politics, whatever. The more you talk about random things, the easier it will be to talk about anything. Besides, you might just learn something from them!

IM Confused
HT, HAY? WAYDT? Mtg Jason, W00T! G2G, PAW. T2UL8R.
Have any idea what that sentence says? If you’re not familiar with IM-speak, the second language for most teenagers in the U.S., you probably don’t.

Here’s a translation:
Hi there, how are you? What are you doing tonight? Meeting Jason and I’m
really excited. Got to go, parents are watching. Talk to you later.

Learning their language is yet another way to make communicating with your
teen a bit easier. Here’s a quick IM-to-English glossary of some
common terms to get you started.

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